A friend reading along with this series suggested “How to Become Someone You Love” as a more fitting title. Before becoming his wife, Tony wanted me to love me. Seeing and accepting flaws has gotten easier with time, especially since I learned to apologize well.
And yes, even if you think you’re the worst at saying sorry, it is possible for you to learn to apologize well. Of all the major changes that got me down the aisle, there was nothing quite so satisfying for my soul as the mindful art of incorporating good apologies into everyday life.
In premarital counseling back in April, Tony and I were challenged to read a lesser-known book by Gary Chapman called The 5 Apology Languages. I’d read his book about the five love languages the first time I was engaged, but I was skeptical that apologies could be similarly categorized and learned.
With or without the book, we all learn to apologize. Many of us learn poorly, simply forced as little kids to apologize and then go to our rooms to reflect on our bad behavior. Our teachers elicited a necessary “sorry” from the lips of each student involved to resolve a spat, and provided neither child was too proud to offer an insincere apology, that was that.
Much of the work done in childhood, then, is teaching us what behaviors and actions are undesirable before we have the more framework to navigate them for ourselves. We model our apologies after the adults in our life, especially parents and caregivers. We can observe the importance of taking responsibility or the effectiveness of evading sincerity while supplying the words.
Before April, I was quick to say I was sorry only for things that mattered little, like being a few minutes late or forgetting to put a spoon in Calista’s lunch box. When I deeply offended Tony, those apologies could sometimes take days to surface. I explained, “It might take me a while to get there, but at least when I finally say I’m sorry, you know that it’s sincere.”
And while I was pretty sure that the pastor was targeting my deficits with this book homework, I hoped Gary Chapman and co-author Jennifer Thomas might explain to Tony the difference between forgiving and forgetting. (They do, by the way.)
We downloaded the audiobook on Audible and listened separately, debriefing on chapters throughout the week. We finished, then read it again. Just like with love, people have different ways of expressing and receiving apologies. These are the five ways:
- Expressing Regret: showing genuine remorse for the pain caused
- Accepting Responsibility: acknowledging one’s role in the situation and owning up to mistake
- Making Restitution: Taking concrete actions to make up for the harm done
- Genuinely Repenting: committing to change behavior in the future to avoid repeating mistake
- Requesting Forgiveness: Actively seeking to be forgiven by the person hurt.
Ask yourself, “How do I know when somebody’s really sorry?” and you’ll find the way you receive apologies. One of my best friends doesn’t even require words; her husband brings home gourmet chocolates, and she knows he’s sorry. For her, it’s about restitution. For others, just being asked, “Will you forgive me?” is enough to mend a bridge.
It’s different in our house. Tony can say he’s sorry, but if he doesn’t own up to his mistake, those are just words. Accepting responsibility makes an apology meaningful to me. When Tony looks me in the eyes and says, “I’m sorry. I messed up,” that vulnerability commands my forgiveness. It’s natural.
On the other hand, I can own up to my mistake, but my apology is just words if he doesn’t see me change the behavior moving forward. Genuine repentance cannot be judged on commitment; time and further opportunities to demonstrate change are required before he truly extends forgiveness. Understanding that dynamic, it made sense that my apologies were a sort of process.
What about the way we express apologies? Well, regardless of our native language, what matters is that we learn to speak other people’s apology languages, and that means sometimes, an apology is not a “one and done” thing.
If you’ve ever felt like you’ve tried to make amends, but the other person hasn’t accepted your apology, consider that you haven’t apologized to them in the language that they speak… yet. Get comfortable returning to an apology and trying again until you find the right fit of the five to unlock forgiveness.
In essence, this book taught my husband and me that by recognizing our apology languages and the languages of others, we can foster better understanding and resolution in conflict. The principles are simplistic and easy to immediately apply into our lives.
I was terrible at apologies. In fact, I’d said, “I’m sorry,” and meant it only to be rejected so many times that I started swallowing my apologies, reserving them to escape only the direst straits. After reading this book, I developed a heart posture of apology I did not know was possible.
Silly as it seems, I began looking for chances to practice what I’d learned, like commiserating with the nurse on the phone over the confusing situation surrounding our call instead of being upset she wasn’t on the same page with my doctor.
Even as adults, we can learn how to apologize well. As we do, we can model it for the other grown-ups and children in our lives, being quick to give a genuine apology in the language in which it can be received. We can also give a user manual to those seeking our forgiveness, unlocking the secret to a successful apology in our relationships with them.
Learning to apologize paved the way for marriage, and once I started, I didn’t stop with Tony. There were friends and family members I’d wronged in the past who were owed an apology that I now had the tools to give. I’ve had some long overdue conversations in recent months, and each was uplifting and freeing. It seemed not to matter how many months or years had passed; my loved ones needed to hear what I needed to say, and it was mutually beneficial.
The beauty of forgiveness, as I discovered, is that it has the potential to heal two people. Equal to the weight of shame and fear was something unfamiliar and calm. With every real apology I make, I feel prettier on the inside and I love me a little more, too.
Enjoy this read? Leave a like, drop a comment, and check out The 5 Apology Languages book or audiobook.
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